I'm Sorry
by bloocci
Summary: It wasn't meant for things to turn out like this, I never meant to hurt her.


**This is the first thing I've posted here. Also, fyi - I do not know that much about drugs so weather this is accurate or not, hopefully this is still alright. Thanks :)**

He had sworn that he was done, that he would never go back to his old ways- to his old self but he did and lied straight to the love of his life's face. How could he have been so foolish? There was no turning back right now, and boy did he wish that he could turn back in time, back to two weeks ago. Back to the same day after their concert in London, where his old '_buddy_' had waited for him behind that back door exit of the venue; the same buddy that had offered him the same deal that had almost made him lose her the first time.

Oliver was lost in self-pity, humiliation but most of all; he was lost in his own disappointment. The way her emerald green eyes had sparkled with salty tears, squinted in a disappointed manner but most of all the hurt that had shone right through them. Oh, he would never forget that look, that look that burned a hole in his aching chest that constricted his airways making it hard for him to breathe and could turn him into a pity excuse of a man.

Tears pricked in his tired hazel eyes, he shouldn't have let it go so far-no, he scolded himself immediately, he shouldn't even have begun. He shouldn't have felt the temptation, the want and the need for it. It wasn't hard to say no, decline the offer that he knew could make his entire life fall apart once more but as soon as his former dealer's mouth opened, spewing old, manipulating lies slowly dragging him in, like a fish caught on a hook, he knew that there wasn't even a battle to fight.

His hands had shook once he pulled out the bills out of his wallet, placing them in the dirty hands of the dealer, he had been nervous. He had wondered how the high would feel like, would it be the same blissful and calming state of mind like it always had been but then he wondered what it would be like after the trip. Would he feel yearn for more, crave it for what it exactly was, a drug or would he be able to step back and realize that he was stronger than that.

He wasn't stronger than that; he knew that as soon as he had returned to the crappy petrol station where his dealer usually hung around, when he had returned with even more money that he had withdrawn from a close-by ATM, telling the man that he wanted more, _needed _more to keep him sane and free, to make him feel more alive and grounded to earth but what in the end would distance him from her. Each time had lied to her, the guilt slowly tearing him apart as he spoke the lies,

"Don't worreh, I'm jus' tired."

"Headache but It'll be ove' soon."

"Sorry I forgot, was out with friend."

Though the lies was nowhere near comparison to when he had raised his voice, almost his fists as the drugs infecting his mind had turned her soft voice- as she asked questions out of concern- into a nasal, whiny voice complaining at him, making the guilt that he had suppressed resurface. The drugs had numbed the pain, that they also had created and he was always well aware of that, but once the high started dropping low, the unbearable regret and shame consumed his entire mind and soul, it was like life was sucked out of him and the drugs just slowed down the feel of the process.

He had known all along, Oliver really had but he was too weak to pull himself away from the drugs and to resist the temptation of feeling the imaginable rush but yet had known that he was going to lose her. She would find out by the mood-swings that were like a coin, either he would be pissed off or he would crawl on his knees just for forgiveness and when she would look him in his eyes, her green ones would find them oddly dilated and they had a hard time focusing on her as they would dart around, looking at anything.

There was no way for him to avoid seeing her at any cost whilst he was under the influence, the excuses ran out and she would begin to suspect that something wasn't quite right or what he thought was the worst, she would believe that he wasn't interested in her any longer. That he had lost the spark for her and that the immense love that unfortunately wasn't strong enough to break through the love for the high, had faded into dull gray.

His heart had split into pieces, each broken piece feeling as if they weighed a ton and fallen to the depth of his stomach, guilty flooding through his veins when she had found his stash. She had pushed herself through the front door and ran up the stairs to his bedroom, knowing exactly where he used to hide them. The entire bedroom had been torn upside-down as she hurried through every corner, lifting anything and slamming it back down harshly.

Oliver had stood in the doorframe, helplessly just watching the woman in his life trying to find his secret that he regretted keeping from her but ever more so for even having a secret like that.

When she seized her rant, she had looked at him from across the bedroom, her chest rising up and down with each strained breath and her raven black locks messily draped across her shoulders. He knew that she wasn't stupid, far from actually and that it would've only been a matter of time before she would have realized what was going on.

She had taken slow, small steps towards him while his eyes burned into her, cautious of her moves and curious, more so scared to what would happen next. His heart dropped to the pit of his stomach once she uttered the one word that would ratify that their love had been shattered, that could do no more.

"_Bathroom"_

He remembered cursing to himself as she had pushed him out of the way as she rushed into the bathroom, immediately going for what she knew would be the final place for him to hide the secret that would rip her apart. Once she had lifted the back lid of the porcelain toilet, pulled out the wet zip lock bags with several ones in the filled with white power and different pills, her fast paced breathing had slowed down to heavy one as if she had been trying to contain herself from bursting into tears, like the mess the bags had put them in.

"You lied to me," those words had been spoken in such a menacing yet low voice that Oli never had heard her utter a single word in and quite frankly it scared him. He knew she was hurt.

He knew he was done for as were their seven year long relationship, when she finally had looked up, locking her sad liquid filled eyes with his. She had shaken her head disappointingly, choking on a sob and there was nothing more that Oliver wanted to do than to run up to her and envelope her in his arms, hold her tightly but he had known that she wanted space, more likely wanted nothing to do with him at all, once the betrayed look in her eyes had turned into disgust almost covering up the hurt.

She had shoved the bags of pills and cocaine into his arms, his hands immediately catching them so that they wouldn't fall down. His eyes flickered to the bag but up to her green gems, as she stood by his side, tears brimming in her eyes.

"You promised me that you were done for good." Her voice low as she spoke slowly,

Her voice quivered, "You promised."

He had heard the sigh that echoed in the bathroom, he had seen the way she had ran her small hand through her dark raven hair before taking that breath that would help her utter those heartbreaking three little words, that meant more than the world to him.

"We are done."

His breath had caught in his throat as it clogged up, stinging and painful tears managed to push their way down his sunk in cheeks as he stood there speechless, watching as she watched him before she hastily walked out of the house. No matter how many times he had told her the words, it had never meant as much for him to say those words as much as it had then even if it would make no difference. He knew she wouldn't believe him, that she finally had reached her breaking point but yet he couldn't help but to utter them, one final time.

"I'm sorry."


End file.
